Friday, May 10, 2013

7 months

     It's been seven months. It's was not supposed to take this long. I feel like there is a part of my heart that is just breaking. How can this not be happening? Why is this not happening? How much longer am I going to have to deal with this heart ache and longing before I can say "yes I am pregnant with my second child. We couldn't be happier" instead every month I wait in anticipation and cry when I see that it was not going to be that month. Is it really going to take up to a year for me to get pregnant after that birth control? Am I going to be able to have another one at all? Or is my first kid going to be way older then my next?
     Every month it frustrates me even more cause I see my sister and other teenagers, and others that didn't want to get pregnant or shouldn't be getting pregnant, and they get pregnant on a one night stand and they have the very thing I want and am trying for. It is so hard to see that and not just want to scream at the top of my lungs with the pain that is filling my heart more and more each month.
     Sometimes, it is so hard to hold on to faith when you are praying for something with all your heart and Heavenly Father is just making you wait. He has his reasons and I am sure it will make since when the time comes but for now I can't help but pour my heart out and cry to him every month with one simple question. Why? Why not now? What is going on now or coming up that I can't be pregnant for or have a baby for? I just want answers. But for now I will just continue to ask why? And have faith in my Heavenly Father that he knows what he is doing, but I am still probably going to cry for a while with my monthly disappointment.

1 comment:

Jen Reil said...

I totally know how you feel. We did fertility treatments for 3 years to get our twins. It is so hard! One thing I've been praying for of late is to be comforted while I'm waiting. Perhaps that could give you some peace too. Good luck to you and I sure hope you get pregnant soon!!